500 MB Nyheder Direkte fra Internet 2

home *** CD-ROM | disk | FTP | other *** search

/ 500 MB Nyheder Direkte fra Internet 2 / 500 MB nyheder direkte fra internet CD 2.iso / start / data / text / rotfl18.txt < prev next >

Wrap

Text File | 1995-04-17 | 64KB | 823 lines

┌──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐ │ ████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ │ │ █ ROTFL Digest! Volume 2, Issue 6 April, 1995 █ │ │ █ █ │ │ █ █ │ │ █ Published by Access Media Systems █ │ │ █ Voice: 905-847-7143 Fax: 905-847-7362 █ │ │ █ █ │ │ █ Editor/Official Dishwasher/Elvis Impersonator: Sandy Illes █ │ │ █ █ │ │ ████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ │ │ █ Contents: █ │ │ █ █ │ │ █ Editorial and Contest Reminder █ │ │ █ Likely Stories! █ │ │ █ Top Ten Things That Fly Is Doing In Your Soup █ │ │ █ Become A Legal Killer With Our Truck Driver Training School █ │ │ █ Of Wheel And Brake Adjustments █ │ │ █ Top Ten Ways To Know Your Life Is The Most Pathetically █ │ │ █ Boring One On Earth █ │ │ █ Top Ten Ways To Know If A Guy's Been Married █ │ │ █ Jokes, Jokes, Jokes! █ │ │ █ █ │ │ █ █ │ │ ████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ │ │ │ │ Editorial │ │ --------- │ │ I hope you guys haven't forgotten about the contest ROTFL Digest │ │ is running! Win a prize by relating your best funny story, joke, │ │ or ascii cartoon to sandy.illes@canrem.com. Win real prizes such │ │ as decorated stationery, original cartoons, or even a CD! Check │ │ out previous issues of ROTFL Digest for contest details! │ │ │ │ Coming soon: An enhanced version of ROTFL Digest with pagination │ │ and all sorts of other goodies! These enhancements are courtesy │ │ of Nick Onoufriou of Blueview Software. If you're interested in │ │ finding out more about Blueview's quality software, contact him at │ │ the following email address: nick.onoufriou@westonia.com │ │ │ │ Also coming soon: A free support board for ROTFL Digest! │ │ Look for more details in ROTFL19.ZIP which will be available │ │ on fine BBS's everywhere in May. │ │ │ │ We'd like to take this opportunity to remind everyone that ROTFL │ │ Digest is a humor publication and absolutely nothing published in │ │ it is true unless we specifically say it is (like Likely Stories)! :) │ │ │ ├──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ │ All submissions are welcomed! Please note that only original │ │ material will be considered for publication. Plagiarists will │ │ be impersonated, and I think you all know how painful that can be. │ │ │ │░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░│ │ │ │ ┌───────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐ │ │ │ ROTFL Digest may be freely reposted on any BBS as long as it │ │ │ │ remains unaltered in any way. Submissions to ROTFL Digest may │ │ │ │ be uploaded to CAP/Canada BBS at (416)287-0935 as a ZIP file. │ │ │ │ Email to sandy.illes@canrem.com or Sandy Illes 1:250/710 │ │ │ │ │ │ │ │ All submissions become the property of Access Media Systems │ │ │ │ for purposes of publication in ROTFL Digest. The author │ │ │ │ retains all copyrights eternally for any other purpose. │ │ │ │ │ │ │ │ ROTFL Digest may not be reproduced for commercial purposes │ │ │ │ without the express written consent of the publishers. │ │ │ │ │ │ │ │ Material reposted from ROTFL Digest MUST be credited. │ │ │ │ ^^^^ │ │ │ │ Violators will be persecuted to the fullest extent of │ │ │ │ our fists. │ │ │ └───────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘ │ ├──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ │ LIKELY STORIES │ │ ============================================================== │ │ GIMME A BURGER, HOLD THE KETCHUP AND SALMONELLA │ │ │ │ Seattle, Washington - Brianne Kiner spent 40 days in a coma │ │ in 1993 due to a Jack In The Box hamburger and has now won │ │ a $15-million US settlement. Brianne, now 12 years old, was │ │ among an estimated 600 people poisoned by contaminated, │ │ undercooked hamburgers sold by Jack In The Box. Three children │ │ died. Brianne was the most acutely ill child to survive but │ │ suffered a stroke which caused brain damage, and also suffered │ │ damage to almost every organ system in her body. │ │ ("Would you like fries with that? No? Perhaps a lawyer?") │ │ │ │ NICKEL AND DIMING HIS EMPLOYER │ │ │ │ Cornwall, Ont. - Every week for a year, tellers at a local │ │ Bank of Montreal branch wondered where Bryan Jesmer, 35, │ │ got all those rolls of coins he cashed in. The bank believed │ │ Jesmer, a parking meter attendant with the city, was up to │ │ something and notified the police. Jesmer has pleaded guilty │ │ to stealing $14,511 in coins over several years and was │ │ sentenced to 75 days in jail, as well as being ordered to │ │ repay the money with a three-year probation period. The │ │ city has not yet decided if he will keep his job. │ │ (Not decided? Oh puh-leeze! The guy is a crook!) │ │ │ │ THIS DOCTOR IS A REAL CUT-UP │ │ │ │ Tampa, Florida - A man who went into surgery to have his │ │ right foot amputated awoke to discover the left foot was │ │ missing. The unnamed patient, in his 50's, was informed of │ │ the blunder while he was in the recovery room at University │ │ Community Hospital. │ │ (And so ends the saga of a man who could have been called │ │ Hopalong...) │ │ │ │ THANK GOODNESS THESE GUYS HAVEN'T EVOLVED TO USING GUNS │ │ │ │ Henderson, Kentucky - At 6:30 every morning, a bugle │ │ reveille blares from a bullhorn atop Woodring Fryer's home. │ │ Some days, it's followed by a cacophony of barking dogs and │ │ raucous music. Fryer and his next door neighbour, 80-year- │ │ old Charles Kissinger, have been feuding for years over ham │ │ radio transmissions. Fryer, 72, claims Kissinger's radio │ │ signal interferes with his own ham and FM radio reception, │ │ as well as his television, telephones, and other appliances. │ │ In retaliation, he installed the bullhorn 3 cm from the wall │ │ that the two men's homes share. │ │ │ │ IT'S A 90'S TYPE GADGET │ │ │ │ Montreal, Quebec - A Montreal company, S2RK Advanced │ │ Technologies, will outfit your car with a satellite │ │ tracking system or a panic button for $1,500 plus $600 per │ │ year in monitoring fees. The company links your automobile │ │ to satellites using a product called SatSting. If you're │ │ lost or in danger, just push the white button. If the car │ │ is improperly started, the antenna sends silent messages │ │ to the satellites. The information is then transmitted back │ │ to the earth, where it can be translated into a location │ │ map with an accuracy of 10 metres. A stolen car or a driver │ │ in danger can be tracked in seconds. │ │ (That'll pretty much end kids borrowing their parents' car.) │ │ │ │ WHATEVER HAPPENED TO JUST ORDERING PIZZAS? │ │ │ │ Jacksonville, Florida - 13-year-old Tammy Lynn Esckilsen, │ │ daughter of a hospital clerk, was arrested after obtaining │ │ a list of patients' phone numbers and making prank calls │ │ informing the patients that they had HIV. Tammy Lynn │ │ obtained the list after visiting her mother at work. One │ │ of the teenage girls went for a gun in an attempt to kill │ │ herself after hearing the news that she not only had HIV │ │ but was also pregnant. │ │ (Wow, what an endearing sense of humour, eh?) │ │ │ │ POLITICALLY CORRECT REVENGE IN FAMILY COURT │ │ │ │ Vancouver, B.C. - A 32-year-old father of three insists that │ │ his estranged wife stop smoking or give him sole custody of │ │ the children. Todd McLeod, in a statement designed to warm │ │ the bitter little hearts of the politically correct, claims │ │ he is worried about the effects of second-hand smoke on his │ │ children, who have lived with their mother since the couple │ │ separated a year ago. McLeod said the children, ranging from │ │ ages 3-14 have suffered from colds, chronic coughs, and one │ │ an inner ear infection, illnesses that he believes are linked │ │ to second-hand smoke. No mention was made as to Mr. McLeod's │ │ medical credentials. No mention was also made that colds, │ │ coughs, and inner ear infections are perfectly normal │ │ childhood illnesses. │ │ (At least we can all see why she's divorcing him...) │ │ │ │ YES, YES, YES! │ │ │ │ Toronto, Ont. - The OPP has undertaken an internal │ │ investigation into a photo radar van being towed for │ │ illegal parking in a Scarborough fire zone. The van │ │ had been tagged and towed after it was parked for more │ │ than 30 minutes in the fire zone. │ │ │ │ SOMETHING TO SMILE ABOUT │ │ │ │ Moncton, N.B. - Raymond Falle, 75, won $5.5 million in │ │ Canada's Lotto 6/49 draw. When asked what he intended │ │ to do with the money, Falle replied that he wanted to │ │ get a better hearing aid and a new set of teeth. │ │ (Heck, now he can afford to get a set of gold teeth... │ │ maybe a set of gold teeth with diamonds... yeah, that's │ │ the ticket!) │ │ │ │ OH SURE, IT WOULD BE REAL EASY TO MIX THESE GUYS UP │ │ │ │ Seattle, Washington - The Kellogg Co. has opposed the │ │ trademark application of a steel band called the Toucans, │ │ claiming the band might be confused with Toucan Sam, a │ │ cartoon associated with its Froot Loops cereal. A │ │ proposed settlement from Kellogg asks that the Toucans │ │ not sell cereal, mention Kellogg or the name "Sam," or │ │ use a bird that resembles Toucan Sam. Should the band │ │ ever use a talking Toucan, it must not have a British, │ │ New Zealand, or Australian accent. │ │ (All band members named Sam must presumably resign and │ │ if they're ever interviewed by Sam Donaldson, the band │ │ will have to call him Anton...) │ │ │ │ BIKERS GET GOVERNMENT FUNDS │ │ │ │ Montreal, Quebec - A $105,000 loan from the Federal │ │ Business Development Bank helped the Rock Machine │ │ motorcycle gang buy its fortress-like headquarters, │ │ according to Le Journal de Montreal. The gang is now │ │ involved in a vicious turf war for control of Montreal's │ │ lucrative drug trade and the bank, a government agency, │ │ wants their money back. The agency defended the loan, │ │ saying the application was made by Guy Lepage, not the │ │ bikers. Lepage, 47, a former Montreal police officer, │ │ was recently released after a two-year prison term for │ │ laundering profits of the drug trade between Quebec and │ │ B.C. │ │ (Doesn't the bank bother to check out the people who │ │ receive money from them?) │ │ │ │ MAYBE IT LOOKS CLOSER ON A MAP? │ │ │ │ Bonfield, Ontario - An unidentified 26-year-old Paris │ │ man became irate because the Greyhound bus wasn't │ │ reaching his destination fast enough, so he tried to │ │ grab the steering wheel of the moving bus. He fell out │ │ the door and died as the driver tried to bring the │ │ swerving bus under control. The French tourist wanted │ │ to go to Vancouver and thought it was only two hours │ │ from Ottawa. Vancouver is in fact a 4,700-kilometre │ │ road trip from Ottawa and takes about three days of │ │ travelling. │ │ │ │ OH PUH-LEEZE │ │ │ │ Toronto, Ont. - Far Horizons Inc, is offering a six-day │ │ London theatre tour for gays, lesbians, and friends. │ │ Included in the $1,499 per person (double occupancy) │ │ price is air fare, a flexible itinerary with sightseeing │ │ and two nights of theatre performances. │ │ (What, no condoms or vaseline??) │ │ │ │ NO WONDER SOME KIDS GROW UP TO KILL THEIR PARENTS │ │ │ │ Riverside, Calif. - A woman received four years in jail │ │ for hanging up the telephone as her son tried to report │ │ that his 7-year-old sister was being raped by their new │ │ stepfather. The mother's name is being withheld to │ │ protect the privacy of the little girl. The attack │ │ occurred barely three hours after the mother wed Frank │ │ Cisco Bridges in January, 1994. Bridges, 44, is serving │ │ 38 years for five convictions of rape and child │ │ molestation. The mother and child are both infected with │ │ the AIDS virus. │ │ (The mother obviously learned nothing from June Cleaver.) │ │ │ │ AND AMERICANS PAY BIG BUCKS FOR THEIR HEALTH CARE │ │ │ │ Dallas, Texas - Benjamin Jones, 62, died of cancer after │ │ a surgeon at Osteopathic Medical Center of Texas │ │ removed his healthy right lung and left a tumor in his │ │ left lung. His family has just settled a suit with the │ │ hospital for about $9 million although the hospital │ │ admitted no wrongdoing. The lawsuit alleged there was │ │ confusion over the location of Jones's tumor one week │ │ after the surgery, but the hospital did not advise │ │ Jones of it. Jones discovered the mistake on his own │ │ when he reviewed his medical records after switching │ │ health plans. │ │ (Who was his doctor - Dr. Kevorkian?) │ │ │ │ IT WAS EASY FOR THE GIRLS TO GET AN "A" IN HIS CLASS │ │ │ │ Sault Ste. Marie, Canada - A 46-year-old teacher, │ │ Kenneth DeLuca, has been ordered to stand trial on │ │ 40 charges of sexually abusing about 20 female │ │ students over a 10-year period. Charges include: │ │ 23 charges of indecent assault, 11 charges of sexual │ │ assault, four charges of sexual touching while in a │ │ position of trust, one charge of sexual interference, │ │ and one charge of forcible confinement. │ │ ("Not detention AGAIN, Mr. DeLuca!") │ │ │ │ PROOF THAT THE END OF THE WORLD MUST BE NEAR │ │ │ │ London, England - Former Beatle Paul McCartney and Yoko │ │ Ono, wife of the late John Lennon, have made up after │ │ years of hostility. To make matters even worse for the │ │ public, the two families recorded a piece by Yoko Ono │ │ called Hiroshima Sky Is Always Blue. │ │ (Earplug sales are bound to go wayyyyy up!) │ │ │ │ IS THAT YOU, GROUCHO? │ │ │ │ Orlando, Florida - The surveillance camera photo of a │ │ robber at a branch of the Barnett Bank in Orlando │ │ showed a man who seemed to be wearing a disguise │ │ consisting of fake glasses with a large nose attached, │ │ but witnesses said the man's nose was his own so the │ │ Orlando Sentinel published the photo. Numerous people │ │ called the crime tips hotline to identify the man as │ │ Chuck Newman. │ │ (Maybe he needed the heist money for a nose job?) │ │ │ │ CRIME WARS │ │ │ │ Thieves are becoming more and more bizarre. In recent │ │ robberies: A spray bottle of toilet cleanser was │ │ pointed at a shopkeeper in Norwich, Ont.; a manhole │ │ cover was brandished by a Chicago mugger; a golf ball │ │ was wielded by robbers in Evansville, Ill.; a pitchfork │ │ was used by one of two men during a store robbery in │ │ Greensboro, N.C. │ │ │ │ Naturally, law-abiding folks are fighting back with │ │ whatever they can. Weapons recently used to foil │ │ robberies include: A large spatula and oven scrub │ │ brush during an attempted pizzeria robbery in Dayton, │ │ Ohio; a can of Raid was used by a homeowner in Stark │ │ County, Ohio, to temporarily blind a burglar. │ │ │ │ Just what do these thieves want? Well, it's not just │ │ money anymore. Two thieves in Loveland, Colorado were │ │ accused of stealing five hedgehogs from a pet store; │ │ two men in Yuba City, Calif., attempted to steal a │ │ still-hot barbecue grill at a (get this!) county │ │ probation office picnic; a man was charged with digging │ │ up and taking 1,500 Venus fly trap plants in Wilmington, │ │ N.C.; a 42-year-old man was charged with stealing six │ │ slabs of the sidewalk at Forest Ave. and Shehy St. in │ │ Youngstown, Ohio; in Long Hill, N.J., someone has been │ │ stealing doorbells. │ │ │ │ AND JUST WHEN WILL STUPIDITY BE MADE A CRIME? │ │ │ │ Antioch, Calif. - A 31-year-old woman was arrested │ │ after walking into a police station carrying a bag │ │ of illegal drugs. She wanted the drugs tested because │ │ she thought her boyfriend had added hallucinogens to │ │ it. │ │ │ ├──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ │ TOP TEN THINGS THAT FLY IS DOING IN YOUR SOUP │ │ (c)1995 Sandy Illes │ │ │ │ 10. Hoping the soup belongs to Christie Brinkley. │ │ 9. Wishing he could complain to the chef. │ │ 8. Holding a secret meeting with Elvis and the aliens. │ │ 7. Holding his breath so he won't drown. │ │ 6. Newest fly craze - snorting soup. │ │ 5. Praying that you're a figment of his imagination. │ │ 4. Wondering how you would taste. │ │ 3. Soup review for "The Daily Flypaper." │ │ 2. Waiting for the dessert tray. │ │ 1. Wishing the chef had used a little less salt. │ ├──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ │ Advertisement (c)1995 Sandy Illes │ │ ------------- │ │ │ │ BECOME A LEGAL KILLER WITH OUR TRUCK DRIVER TRAINING SCHOOL OF │ │ WHEEL AND BRAKE ADJUSTMENTS! │ │ │ │ Are you afraid to kill someone because you might get caught and │ │ end up in jail and be forced to spend the rest of your life with │ │ a boyfriend named Spike? Now you can forget your worries and │ │ kill with impunity by signing up for the TRUCK DRIVER TRAINING │ │ SCHOOL OF WHEEL AND BRAKE ADJUSTMENTS! │ │ │ │ In our valuable course, you'll learn how to over-tighten those │ │ wheel nuts just enough so that some pathetic car driver will │ │ feel the full wrath of your tires as they pound his car and his │ │ head into spaghetti sauce. Learn how to loosen your brakes so │ │ that you can drive right through that Honda Accord instead of │ │ being stuck in traffic behind it. │ │ │ │ Other course material to be covered include: │ │ │ │ - Driving side by side with another tractor trailer so you can │ │ make mincemeat out of that Ferrari. │ │ - How to effectively abuse the air horn to scare car drivers │ │ into veering off the road. │ │ - Why you should give the finger to car drivers who cut you off │ │ (because you're 80,000 pounds stronger than them). │ │ - Plus much more! │ │ │ │ Our guarantee: │ │ │ │ Remember, if you haven't killed at least three people within a │ │ week of completing this course, we promise to either refund │ │ your money or have one of our experienced professionals do the │ │ killing for you! │ │ │ │ Send a non-refundable cheque or money order for $12,929.37 to: │ │ │ │ TRUCK DRIVER TRAINING SCHOOL OF WHEEL AND BRAKE ADJUSTMENTS │ │ 1234 Loose Wheel Went That-a-Way │ │ Toronto, Ontario, Canada 3M TA3 │ │ │ │ Name: ________________________________________________________ │ │ Address: _____________________________________________________ │ │ City: _____________________________ State/Prov. ______________ │ │ Zip/Postal Code: _____________________________________________ │ │ │ │ __ Yes, please enroll me in the Truck Driver School of Wheel │ │ and Brake Adjustments! I want to become a legal killer as │ │ soon as possible! │ │ │ │ I am most interested in killing: │ │ __ Spouse │ │ __ Aunt/Uncle │ │ __ Brother/Sister │ │ __ Mailman or any Canada Post employee │ │ __ A cop │ │ __ Neighbour's dog who won't stop talking to me │ │ __ Elvis who is living as a transvestite in my garage │ │ __ Random innocent victims │ │ __ Anyone │ │ __ Everyone │ │ │ │ I have previous experience in the following methods of killing: │ │ __ Shooting │ │ __ Knifing │ │ __ Drowning │ │ __ Stuffing peas up someone's nose to make them suffocate │ │ __ Vehicular manslaughter (Yeah!) │ │ __ (fill in the blank) __________________________________ │ │ │ │ Do you have a valid driver's licence? │ │ __ Yes __ No __ Who cares? │ │ │ │ * This course has been disapproved by the Ontario Ministry of │ │ Transport. │ │ │ │ ** The Truck Driver School of Wheel and Brake Adjustments │ │ disclaims all liability from people who have received │ │ this course. │ ├──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ │ │ │ TOP TEN WAYS TO KNOW YOUR LIFE IS THE MOST PATHETICALLY BORING │ │ ONE ON EARTH (c)1995 Sandy Illes │ │ │ │ 10. In the school yearbook, the inscription under your name said │ │ "Least likely to be wearing clean underwear." │ │ 9. You've memorized the TV Guide. │ │ 8. You cheat playing Solitaire. │ │ 7. Your bowel movements make the front page of the local paper. │ │ 6. The only mail you receive is addressed to "Occupant." │ │ 5. Your blooms-once-in-a-lifetime plant bloomed while you were in the │ │ bathroom. │ │ 4. Your relatives don't talk to you but they think you look vaguely │ │ familiar. │ │ 3. You once took a bath but the police made you put it back. │ │ 2. You dry your hair by hanging it on the clothesline. <ouch> │ │ 1. Aliens are in contact with your pet but they won't bother talking │ │ to you. │ ├──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ │ │ │ Top Ten Ways To Tell If A Guy's Been Married (c)1995 Sandy Illes │ │ │ │ 10. Knows how to defrost his own TV dinner. │ │ 9. Knows that a washer is a required household item but is not │ │ quite sure why. │ │ 8. Can chug beer, watch sports, and say "Yes, dear" at the │ │ same time. │ │ 7. Is always surprised when a woman says yes to sex. │ │ 6. Doesn't use the same brush for his teeth and his hair anymore. │ │ 5. Understands himself well enough to have hired a cleaning lady. │ │ 4. Hates lawyers and says "Over my dead body" a lot. │ │ 3. Spends a whole day washing his car while, in the meantime, he │ │ doesn't have one clean coffee mug in the house. │ │ 2. Likes it when a girl calls him Snookums. │ │ 1. Has matching socks that he never wears because they remind him │ │ of his ex. │ ├──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ │ JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES │ │==========================================================================│ │ A rich guy and a poor guy were in a bar. After talking │ │ for a while, they found that their wives had the same │ │ birthday. The poor guy asked the rich guy, "What did │ │ you get your wife for her birthday?" The rich guy said, │ │ "A fur coat and a Rolls Royce." The poor guy said, │ │ "That's a pretty strange combination, why did you get │ │ her both a coat and a car?" │ │ The rich guy said, "Well, I figured if she didn't like │ │ the fur coat, she could have a new car to drive it back │ │ and exchange it for something else." Then the rich guy │ │ asked the poor guy, "What did you get your wife for her │ │ birthday?" The poor guy said, "Well, I don't have much │ │ money, so I got her a bathrobe and a dildo." "A bathrobe │ │ and a dildo?" the rich man asked. "Talk about weird │ │ combinations... why did you get her a bathrobe and a │ │ dildo?" │ │ The poor man replied, "Well, I figured if she didn't │ │ like the bathrobe, she could go screw herself!" │ │--------------------------------------------------------------------- │ │ │ │ What do you get if you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an │ │ elevator operator? │ │ Someone who knocks on your door and tells you where to get │ │ off. │ │ │ │ What do you get if you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a │ │ sex therapist? │ │ Someone who knocks on your door and tells you *how* to get │ │ off. │ │--------------------------------------------------------------------- │ │ │ │ A lady told her new maid, "I declare, I can write my full name │ │ in the dust you've left on this piano." │ │ "Bless my soul," answered the maid with delight. "It's sure │ │ nice to be working for a lady with education!" │ │--------------------------------------------------------------------- │ │ │ │ A sergeant looked over a squad of particularly inept draftees │ │ and confessed, "I'm damned if I know what to do with you clumsy │ │ goons." │ │ One of them piped up hopefully, "There's a big shade tree over │ │ there, Sarge." │ │ "Yeah, I know," nodded the sergeant, "but I don't have any rope │ │ with me." │ │--------------------------------------------------------------------- │ │ │ │ It was little Johnny's first day in his new school and when │ │ he obtained permission from his 2nd grade teacher to go to │ │ the bathroom, he said he didn't know where it was. The │ │ teacher said, "Turn left out the door, then right at the │ │ next corridor; it's on your right." │ │ │ │ But when Johnny returned a few minutes later, he told the │ │ teacher he'd been unable to find it. The teacher said, │ │ "Well, I really don't know why, but Billy, would you please │ │ show Johnny where the bathroom is?" So Billy and Johnny │ │ went out the door. │ │ │ │ When they both returned a few minutes later, the teacher │ │ commented, "Well, it's about time. I really don't know why │ │ Johnny couldn't find it himself." │ │ │ │ Billy said, "I do, Teacher. His undershorts were on backwards." │ │--------------------------------------------------------------------- │ │ │ │ Q. What do you call Bob Hawke's goolies? │ │ A. Blanched hazelnuts. │ │ │ │ Explanations.. │ │ │ │ Bob Hawke ........ Ex prime minister │ │ │ │ Hazel Hawke ...... Ex prime minister's wife │ │ │ │ Blanch D'Puge .... Ex prime minister's new girlfriend. │ │ │ │ goolies .......... Important part of male anatomy. │ │--------------------------------------------------------------------- │ │ │ │A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's │ │hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything │ │besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves │ │and under trees. │ │ │ │One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. │ │It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other │ │buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the │ │chimney, implying someone is home. │ │ │ │He knocks on the door and an old man with a beard almost down to the │ │ground answers. The old man squints his eyes and says, "What do you │ │want?" │ │ │ │The man says, "I've been lost for the past three weeks │ │and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would │ │be most grateful if I could have a meal and sleep in your house │ │for tonight." │ │ │ │The old Chinese man says, "I'll let you come in on one │ │condition: You cannot mess around with my granddaughter." │ │ │ │The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying, "I │ │promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way │ │tomorrow morning." │ │ │ │The old Chinese man counters, "Ok, but if I do catch you │ │then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever │ │known to man." │ │ │ │"Ok, Ok," the man said as he entered the old house. │ │Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live │ │out in the wilderness all her life? │ │ │ │Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after │ │showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was │ │an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, │ │it had been many, many months without companionship. And the girl │ │had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and │ │well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other │ │throughout the meal. │ │ │ │That night, the man sneaked into the girl's bedroom and │ │they had quite a time, but kept the noise down to a minimum. │ │The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to │ │himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that │ │experience." │ │ │ │Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight │ │on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on │ │his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture │ │test: 100 lb rock on your chest." │ │ │ │ "What a lame torture test," the man thought to himself as │ │he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter │ │and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock was another │ │sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right │ │testicle." │ │ │ │The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to │ │be grabbed, jumped out the window after the rock. Outside the │ │window was a third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: │ │Left testicle tied to bed post." │ │--------------------------------------------------------------------- │ │ │ │ What do Michael Jackson's boyfriends call him? │ │ Uncle. │ │--------------------------------------------------------------------- │ │ │ │ "Mr. Simpson, did you kill your wife?" │ │ "Hell no, sir! She killed herself and then killed her friend!" │ │--------------------------------------------------------------------- │ │ │ │ Apparently, Rita MacNeil found out she is infected with flesh-eating │ │ bacteria. That's right, the same bacteria that did away Lucien │ │ Bouchard's leg overnight. The doctors gave her only 15 years to live. │ │--------------------------------------------------------------------- │ │ │ │ Knock...Knock │ │ │ │ Who's there? │ │ │ │ Interrupting Cow │ │ │ │ Interrup.. │ │ │ │ MOO!!! │ │--------------------------------------------------------------------- │ │ │ │ The Lone Ranger and his trusty sidekick were riding through a │ │ small town, and decided to stop in the local saloon for a drink. │ │ The Lone Ranger noticed that his horse was a bit overheated, │ │ so he asked his trusty sidekick a favor. │ │ "Tonto, I'm afraid Silver is a bit hot...might you cool him for │ │ me?" │ │ Tonto says, "Of course, Kemosabe, but how?" │ │ "Just run around him in circles to fan him off." │ │ So the 'Ranger leaves his trusty sidekick and goes in for a │ │ drink. │ │ A few minutes later, a cowboy approaches him and asks, "Excuse │ │ me, sir, but do you know who owns that beautiful silver horse │ │ out front?" │ │ "I do," replies the 'Ranger. │ │ "Well, sir, you've left your injun running." │ │--------------------------------------------------------------------- │ │ │ │ Consider the case of the hen that observed the undisciplined │ │ behavior of her youngest chick with obvious disapproval. "If │ │ your father could see you now," she cackled disgustedly, │ │ "he'd turn over in his gravy." │ │--------------------------------------------------------------------- │ │ │ │ Q: What's the rarest food in Ethiopia? │ │ A: After dinner mints. │ │--------------------------------------------------------------------- │ │ │ │ Ethiopian woman and Yoko Ono? Both live off dead Beatles. │ │--------------------------------------------------------------------- │ │ │ │ Have you heard of the new Jeffery Dahmer shampoo? │ │ Heads and Shoulders. │ │--------------------------------------------------------------------- │ │ │ │ A woman walks into a police station. │ │ │ │ Woman: I've been graped! I've been graped! │ │ Cop: Don't you mean raped? │ │ Woman: (pauses) No, there was a bunch of them. │ │--------------------------------------------------------------------- │ │ │ │ A man was arrested one night for running across Red Square yelling │ │ "Khrushchev is a fool! Khrushchev is a fool!" │ │ He was arrested and given 10 years - 5 for slandering the leader, and │ │ 5 for revealing a state secret. │ │--------------------------------------------------------------------- │ │ On a bright, warm spring day, somewhere on Vancouver Island a │ │ certain resident of East Indian origin was shaking his rug on │ │ his front porch. │ │ A passerby saw him, couldn't help himself and blurted, "What is the │ │ problem? Can't get it started?" │ │--------------------------------------------------------------------- │ │ │ │ Interesting statistic from Harper's Index: │ │ │ │ Between 1980 and 1990, eleven Americans were killed as a result │ │ of shaking vending machines which then fell on them. Of those │ │ eleven people killed, all of them were members of the US Armed │ │ Forces. │ │ │ │ The Few... The Proud... the Squashed Flat As a Pancake for a Lousy │ │ Snickers Bar... │ │ │ │ We Get Squashed Flatter Before 8am Than Most People Do All Day │ │ │ │ Be As Flat as You Can Be in The Army.. │ │--------------------------------------------------------------------- │ │ │ │ Mary Poppins gives up being a nanny and retires to the west coast │ │ of the United States. She becomes bored and opens up a small │ │ detective agency specializing in solving crimes using her psychic │ │ ability and strong nose. │ │ She opened a small space on Hollywood Boulevard and posted her sign │ │ proudly. It read: │ │ │ │ Super California Mystic Expert Halitosis. │ │--------------------------------------------------------------------- │ │ │ │ WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN...... │ │ │ │ Q A goldfish and a mountain goat? │ │ A One mucks around in fountains. │ │ │ │ Q A magician's wand and a policeman's baton? │ │ A One is used for cunning stunts. │ │ │ │ Q A cross eyed archer and a constipated owl? │ │ A One shoots but can't hit. │ │ │ │ Q A Swiss admiral and a reliable vacuum cleaner? │ │ A One sucks and sucks and never fails. │ │ │ │ Q A war horse and a draught horse? │ │ A One darts into the fray. │ │ │ │ Q A good girl and a nice girl? │ │ A A good girl has the bloom of youth in her cheeks but │ │ the nice girl has the cheek of youth in her bloomers. │ │--------------------------------------------------------------------- │ │ Clinton Condoms: ONE will screw an entire nation. │ │--------------------------------------------------------------------- │ │ │ │ A man died and went to hell. When he got there, he was led to a room │ │ that turned out to be a parochial school classroom. The meanest │ │ battle axe of a nun then came to the front of the room and ordered │ │ the man to sit up straight and listen. From time the man would │ │ slouch in his seat or doze off, and every such time the nun would │ │ rap the man's knuckles. Also, from time to time the nun would │ │ interrupt her lecture and order the man to repeat what he had heard. │ │ If he forgot anything, she would rap his knuckles and berate him. │ │ │ │ After several days of this, the man got up, left the room, and │ │ demanded to see the devil in charge. "How long does this have to │ │ go on?" he demanded. │ │ │ │ "Forever." │ │ │ │ "Can't I be thrown in a fiery pit instead?" he asked. │ │ │ │ "No." │ │ │ │ "I thought hell was fire and brimstone--not Catholic school!" │ │ │ │ "For some people, but not you." │ │ │ │ "But why me?" │ │ │ │ Finally the devil explained: "You have to go back to that room │ │ and stay there forever for that nun. You see, she's in Heaven." │ │--------------------------------------------------------------------- │ │ │ │ So one day, 'Six-gun' Sol ambles into town on his trusty │ │ steed and reins in at the saloon. Eight days on that │ │ dusty old Audit Trail had left Sol with a mighty powerful │ │ thirst. │ │ │ │ Hours pass, and after negotiating the price of several │ │ whiskeys, Sol decides it's time to ride on. He shuffles │ │ out into the street, only to find that someone has painted │ │ his horse's balls bright yellow. │ │ │ │ 'Six-gun' Sol turns on (and picks up) a dime, and barges │ │ back into the saloon. │ │ │ │ "So, who deh hell's deh funny guy what's painted my horse's │ │ balls yallow?" demands Sol. │ │ │ │ Well, the biggest, hairiest, meanest, dirtiest, ugliest, │ │ baddest man in the west steps forward, eyes wild with │ │ psychopathic frenzy, and looking waaaay down at Sol says, │ │ "I did! What about it, pipsqueak?" │ │ │ │ Sol looks back at him steelily (?) and answers, "I just │ │ thought you'd like to know dat deh first coat is dry now!" │ │--------------------------------------------------------------------- │ │ │ │ The little Russian girl answered the door, and a man asked │ │ to see her father. "I'm sorry, he's not home," she replied, │ │ "but he'll be back in eight hours, forty minutes and │ │ twenty-three seconds." "How can you be so exact?" "He's │ │ orbiting the earth," she said. "He's a cosmonaut." │ │ │ │ "How about your mother?" "No, she's not here either." │ │ "When will she be back?" "Who knows?" answered the girl. │ │ "She went to buy bread." │ │--------------------------------------------------------------------- │ │ │ │ The press, interviewing Senator Kennedy, asked the Senator, │ │ "Weren't you concerned that your nephew may have been │ │ convicted for rape?" │ │ │ │ To which the Senator replied, "The family decided we'd drive │ │ off that bridge when we came to it." │ │--------------------------------------------------------------------- │ │ │ │ How can you tell the virgin at an <insert ethnic group of │ │ your choice> wedding? │ │ She's the one who isn't pregnant. │ │ │ └──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘