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1995-04-17
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┌──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐
│ ████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ │
│ █ ROTFL Digest! Volume 2, Issue 6 April, 1995 █ │
│ █ █ │
│ █ █ │
│ █ Published by Access Media Systems █ │
│ █ Voice: 905-847-7143 Fax: 905-847-7362 █ │
│ █ █ │
│ █ Editor/Official Dishwasher/Elvis Impersonator: Sandy Illes █ │
│ █ █ │
│ ████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ │
│ █ Contents: █ │
│ █ █ │
│ █ Editorial and Contest Reminder █ │
│ █ Likely Stories! █ │
│ █ Top Ten Things That Fly Is Doing In Your Soup █ │
│ █ Become A Legal Killer With Our Truck Driver Training School █ │
│ █ Of Wheel And Brake Adjustments █ │
│ █ Top Ten Ways To Know Your Life Is The Most Pathetically █ │
│ █ Boring One On Earth █ │
│ █ Top Ten Ways To Know If A Guy's Been Married █ │
│ █ Jokes, Jokes, Jokes! █ │
│ █ █ │
│ █ █ │
│ ████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ │
│ │
│ Editorial │
│ --------- │
│ I hope you guys haven't forgotten about the contest ROTFL Digest │
│ is running! Win a prize by relating your best funny story, joke, │
│ or ascii cartoon to sandy.illes@canrem.com. Win real prizes such │
│ as decorated stationery, original cartoons, or even a CD! Check │
│ out previous issues of ROTFL Digest for contest details! │
│ │
│ Coming soon: An enhanced version of ROTFL Digest with pagination │
│ and all sorts of other goodies! These enhancements are courtesy │
│ of Nick Onoufriou of Blueview Software. If you're interested in │
│ finding out more about Blueview's quality software, contact him at │
│ the following email address: nick.onoufriou@westonia.com │
│ │
│ Also coming soon: A free support board for ROTFL Digest! │
│ Look for more details in ROTFL19.ZIP which will be available │
│ on fine BBS's everywhere in May. │
│ │
│ We'd like to take this opportunity to remind everyone that ROTFL │
│ Digest is a humor publication and absolutely nothing published in │
│ it is true unless we specifically say it is (like Likely Stories)! :) │
│ │
├──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤
│ All submissions are welcomed! Please note that only original │
│ material will be considered for publication. Plagiarists will │
│ be impersonated, and I think you all know how painful that can be. │
│ │
│░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░│
│ │
│ ┌───────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐ │
│ │ ROTFL Digest may be freely reposted on any BBS as long as it │ │
│ │ remains unaltered in any way. Submissions to ROTFL Digest may │ │
│ │ be uploaded to CAP/Canada BBS at (416)287-0935 as a ZIP file. │ │
│ │ Email to sandy.illes@canrem.com or Sandy Illes 1:250/710 │ │
│ │ │ │
│ │ All submissions become the property of Access Media Systems │ │
│ │ for purposes of publication in ROTFL Digest. The author │ │
│ │ retains all copyrights eternally for any other purpose. │ │
│ │ │ │
│ │ ROTFL Digest may not be reproduced for commercial purposes │ │
│ │ without the express written consent of the publishers. │ │
│ │ │ │
│ │ Material reposted from ROTFL Digest MUST be credited. │ │
│ │ ^^^^ │ │
│ │ Violators will be persecuted to the fullest extent of │ │
│ │ our fists. │ │
│ └───────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘ │
├──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤
│ LIKELY STORIES │
│ ============================================================== │
│ GIMME A BURGER, HOLD THE KETCHUP AND SALMONELLA │
│ │
│ Seattle, Washington - Brianne Kiner spent 40 days in a coma │
│ in 1993 due to a Jack In The Box hamburger and has now won │
│ a $15-million US settlement. Brianne, now 12 years old, was │
│ among an estimated 600 people poisoned by contaminated, │
│ undercooked hamburgers sold by Jack In The Box. Three children │
│ died. Brianne was the most acutely ill child to survive but │
│ suffered a stroke which caused brain damage, and also suffered │
│ damage to almost every organ system in her body. │
│ ("Would you like fries with that? No? Perhaps a lawyer?") │
│ │
│ NICKEL AND DIMING HIS EMPLOYER │
│ │
│ Cornwall, Ont. - Every week for a year, tellers at a local │
│ Bank of Montreal branch wondered where Bryan Jesmer, 35, │
│ got all those rolls of coins he cashed in. The bank believed │
│ Jesmer, a parking meter attendant with the city, was up to │
│ something and notified the police. Jesmer has pleaded guilty │
│ to stealing $14,511 in coins over several years and was │
│ sentenced to 75 days in jail, as well as being ordered to │
│ repay the money with a three-year probation period. The │
│ city has not yet decided if he will keep his job. │
│ (Not decided? Oh puh-leeze! The guy is a crook!) │
│ │
│ THIS DOCTOR IS A REAL CUT-UP │
│ │
│ Tampa, Florida - A man who went into surgery to have his │
│ right foot amputated awoke to discover the left foot was │
│ missing. The unnamed patient, in his 50's, was informed of │
│ the blunder while he was in the recovery room at University │
│ Community Hospital. │
│ (And so ends the saga of a man who could have been called │
│ Hopalong...) │
│ │
│ THANK GOODNESS THESE GUYS HAVEN'T EVOLVED TO USING GUNS │
│ │
│ Henderson, Kentucky - At 6:30 every morning, a bugle │
│ reveille blares from a bullhorn atop Woodring Fryer's home. │
│ Some days, it's followed by a cacophony of barking dogs and │
│ raucous music. Fryer and his next door neighbour, 80-year- │
│ old Charles Kissinger, have been feuding for years over ham │
│ radio transmissions. Fryer, 72, claims Kissinger's radio │
│ signal interferes with his own ham and FM radio reception, │
│ as well as his television, telephones, and other appliances. │
│ In retaliation, he installed the bullhorn 3 cm from the wall │
│ that the two men's homes share. │
│ │
│ IT'S A 90'S TYPE GADGET │
│ │
│ Montreal, Quebec - A Montreal company, S2RK Advanced │
│ Technologies, will outfit your car with a satellite │
│ tracking system or a panic button for $1,500 plus $600 per │
│ year in monitoring fees. The company links your automobile │
│ to satellites using a product called SatSting. If you're │
│ lost or in danger, just push the white button. If the car │
│ is improperly started, the antenna sends silent messages │
│ to the satellites. The information is then transmitted back │
│ to the earth, where it can be translated into a location │
│ map with an accuracy of 10 metres. A stolen car or a driver │
│ in danger can be tracked in seconds. │
│ (That'll pretty much end kids borrowing their parents' car.) │
│ │
│ WHATEVER HAPPENED TO JUST ORDERING PIZZAS? │
│ │
│ Jacksonville, Florida - 13-year-old Tammy Lynn Esckilsen, │
│ daughter of a hospital clerk, was arrested after obtaining │
│ a list of patients' phone numbers and making prank calls │
│ informing the patients that they had HIV. Tammy Lynn │
│ obtained the list after visiting her mother at work. One │
│ of the teenage girls went for a gun in an attempt to kill │
│ herself after hearing the news that she not only had HIV │
│ but was also pregnant. │
│ (Wow, what an endearing sense of humour, eh?) │
│ │
│ POLITICALLY CORRECT REVENGE IN FAMILY COURT │
│ │
│ Vancouver, B.C. - A 32-year-old father of three insists that │
│ his estranged wife stop smoking or give him sole custody of │
│ the children. Todd McLeod, in a statement designed to warm │
│ the bitter little hearts of the politically correct, claims │
│ he is worried about the effects of second-hand smoke on his │
│ children, who have lived with their mother since the couple │
│ separated a year ago. McLeod said the children, ranging from │
│ ages 3-14 have suffered from colds, chronic coughs, and one │
│ an inner ear infection, illnesses that he believes are linked │
│ to second-hand smoke. No mention was made as to Mr. McLeod's │
│ medical credentials. No mention was also made that colds, │
│ coughs, and inner ear infections are perfectly normal │
│ childhood illnesses. │
│ (At least we can all see why she's divorcing him...) │
│ │
│ YES, YES, YES! │
│ │
│ Toronto, Ont. - The OPP has undertaken an internal │
│ investigation into a photo radar van being towed for │
│ illegal parking in a Scarborough fire zone. The van │
│ had been tagged and towed after it was parked for more │
│ than 30 minutes in the fire zone. │
│ │
│ SOMETHING TO SMILE ABOUT │
│ │
│ Moncton, N.B. - Raymond Falle, 75, won $5.5 million in │
│ Canada's Lotto 6/49 draw. When asked what he intended │
│ to do with the money, Falle replied that he wanted to │
│ get a better hearing aid and a new set of teeth. │
│ (Heck, now he can afford to get a set of gold teeth... │
│ maybe a set of gold teeth with diamonds... yeah, that's │
│ the ticket!) │
│ │
│ OH SURE, IT WOULD BE REAL EASY TO MIX THESE GUYS UP │
│ │
│ Seattle, Washington - The Kellogg Co. has opposed the │
│ trademark application of a steel band called the Toucans, │
│ claiming the band might be confused with Toucan Sam, a │
│ cartoon associated with its Froot Loops cereal. A │
│ proposed settlement from Kellogg asks that the Toucans │
│ not sell cereal, mention Kellogg or the name "Sam," or │
│ use a bird that resembles Toucan Sam. Should the band │
│ ever use a talking Toucan, it must not have a British, │
│ New Zealand, or Australian accent. │
│ (All band members named Sam must presumably resign and │
│ if they're ever interviewed by Sam Donaldson, the band │
│ will have to call him Anton...) │
│ │
│ BIKERS GET GOVERNMENT FUNDS │
│ │
│ Montreal, Quebec - A $105,000 loan from the Federal │
│ Business Development Bank helped the Rock Machine │
│ motorcycle gang buy its fortress-like headquarters, │
│ according to Le Journal de Montreal. The gang is now │
│ involved in a vicious turf war for control of Montreal's │
│ lucrative drug trade and the bank, a government agency, │
│ wants their money back. The agency defended the loan, │
│ saying the application was made by Guy Lepage, not the │
│ bikers. Lepage, 47, a former Montreal police officer, │
│ was recently released after a two-year prison term for │
│ laundering profits of the drug trade between Quebec and │
│ B.C. │
│ (Doesn't the bank bother to check out the people who │
│ receive money from them?) │
│ │
│ MAYBE IT LOOKS CLOSER ON A MAP? │
│ │
│ Bonfield, Ontario - An unidentified 26-year-old Paris │
│ man became irate because the Greyhound bus wasn't │
│ reaching his destination fast enough, so he tried to │
│ grab the steering wheel of the moving bus. He fell out │
│ the door and died as the driver tried to bring the │
│ swerving bus under control. The French tourist wanted │
│ to go to Vancouver and thought it was only two hours │
│ from Ottawa. Vancouver is in fact a 4,700-kilometre │
│ road trip from Ottawa and takes about three days of │
│ travelling. │
│ │
│ OH PUH-LEEZE │
│ │
│ Toronto, Ont. - Far Horizons Inc, is offering a six-day │
│ London theatre tour for gays, lesbians, and friends. │
│ Included in the $1,499 per person (double occupancy) │
│ price is air fare, a flexible itinerary with sightseeing │
│ and two nights of theatre performances. │
│ (What, no condoms or vaseline??) │
│ │
│ NO WONDER SOME KIDS GROW UP TO KILL THEIR PARENTS │
│ │
│ Riverside, Calif. - A woman received four years in jail │
│ for hanging up the telephone as her son tried to report │
│ that his 7-year-old sister was being raped by their new │
│ stepfather. The mother's name is being withheld to │
│ protect the privacy of the little girl. The attack │
│ occurred barely three hours after the mother wed Frank │
│ Cisco Bridges in January, 1994. Bridges, 44, is serving │
│ 38 years for five convictions of rape and child │
│ molestation. The mother and child are both infected with │
│ the AIDS virus. │
│ (The mother obviously learned nothing from June Cleaver.) │
│ │
│ AND AMERICANS PAY BIG BUCKS FOR THEIR HEALTH CARE │
│ │
│ Dallas, Texas - Benjamin Jones, 62, died of cancer after │
│ a surgeon at Osteopathic Medical Center of Texas │
│ removed his healthy right lung and left a tumor in his │
│ left lung. His family has just settled a suit with the │
│ hospital for about $9 million although the hospital │
│ admitted no wrongdoing. The lawsuit alleged there was │
│ confusion over the location of Jones's tumor one week │
│ after the surgery, but the hospital did not advise │
│ Jones of it. Jones discovered the mistake on his own │
│ when he reviewed his medical records after switching │
│ health plans. │
│ (Who was his doctor - Dr. Kevorkian?) │
│ │
│ IT WAS EASY FOR THE GIRLS TO GET AN "A" IN HIS CLASS │
│ │
│ Sault Ste. Marie, Canada - A 46-year-old teacher, │
│ Kenneth DeLuca, has been ordered to stand trial on │
│ 40 charges of sexually abusing about 20 female │
│ students over a 10-year period. Charges include: │
│ 23 charges of indecent assault, 11 charges of sexual │
│ assault, four charges of sexual touching while in a │
│ position of trust, one charge of sexual interference, │
│ and one charge of forcible confinement. │
│ ("Not detention AGAIN, Mr. DeLuca!") │
│ │
│ PROOF THAT THE END OF THE WORLD MUST BE NEAR │
│ │
│ London, England - Former Beatle Paul McCartney and Yoko │
│ Ono, wife of the late John Lennon, have made up after │
│ years of hostility. To make matters even worse for the │
│ public, the two families recorded a piece by Yoko Ono │
│ called Hiroshima Sky Is Always Blue. │
│ (Earplug sales are bound to go wayyyyy up!) │
│ │
│ IS THAT YOU, GROUCHO? │
│ │
│ Orlando, Florida - The surveillance camera photo of a │
│ robber at a branch of the Barnett Bank in Orlando │
│ showed a man who seemed to be wearing a disguise │
│ consisting of fake glasses with a large nose attached, │
│ but witnesses said the man's nose was his own so the │
│ Orlando Sentinel published the photo. Numerous people │
│ called the crime tips hotline to identify the man as │
│ Chuck Newman. │
│ (Maybe he needed the heist money for a nose job?) │
│ │
│ CRIME WARS │
│ │
│ Thieves are becoming more and more bizarre. In recent │
│ robberies: A spray bottle of toilet cleanser was │
│ pointed at a shopkeeper in Norwich, Ont.; a manhole │
│ cover was brandished by a Chicago mugger; a golf ball │
│ was wielded by robbers in Evansville, Ill.; a pitchfork │
│ was used by one of two men during a store robbery in │
│ Greensboro, N.C. │
│ │
│ Naturally, law-abiding folks are fighting back with │
│ whatever they can. Weapons recently used to foil │
│ robberies include: A large spatula and oven scrub │
│ brush during an attempted pizzeria robbery in Dayton, │
│ Ohio; a can of Raid was used by a homeowner in Stark │
│ County, Ohio, to temporarily blind a burglar. │
│ │
│ Just what do these thieves want? Well, it's not just │
│ money anymore. Two thieves in Loveland, Colorado were │
│ accused of stealing five hedgehogs from a pet store; │
│ two men in Yuba City, Calif., attempted to steal a │
│ still-hot barbecue grill at a (get this!) county │
│ probation office picnic; a man was charged with digging │
│ up and taking 1,500 Venus fly trap plants in Wilmington, │
│ N.C.; a 42-year-old man was charged with stealing six │
│ slabs of the sidewalk at Forest Ave. and Shehy St. in │
│ Youngstown, Ohio; in Long Hill, N.J., someone has been │
│ stealing doorbells. │
│ │
│ AND JUST WHEN WILL STUPIDITY BE MADE A CRIME? │
│ │
│ Antioch, Calif. - A 31-year-old woman was arrested │
│ after walking into a police station carrying a bag │
│ of illegal drugs. She wanted the drugs tested because │
│ she thought her boyfriend had added hallucinogens to │
│ it. │
│ │
├──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤
│ TOP TEN THINGS THAT FLY IS DOING IN YOUR SOUP │
│ (c)1995 Sandy Illes │
│ │
│ 10. Hoping the soup belongs to Christie Brinkley. │
│ 9. Wishing he could complain to the chef. │
│ 8. Holding a secret meeting with Elvis and the aliens. │
│ 7. Holding his breath so he won't drown. │
│ 6. Newest fly craze - snorting soup. │
│ 5. Praying that you're a figment of his imagination. │
│ 4. Wondering how you would taste. │
│ 3. Soup review for "The Daily Flypaper." │
│ 2. Waiting for the dessert tray. │
│ 1. Wishing the chef had used a little less salt. │
├──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤
│ Advertisement (c)1995 Sandy Illes │
│ ------------- │
│ │
│ BECOME A LEGAL KILLER WITH OUR TRUCK DRIVER TRAINING SCHOOL OF │
│ WHEEL AND BRAKE ADJUSTMENTS! │
│ │
│ Are you afraid to kill someone because you might get caught and │
│ end up in jail and be forced to spend the rest of your life with │
│ a boyfriend named Spike? Now you can forget your worries and │
│ kill with impunity by signing up for the TRUCK DRIVER TRAINING │
│ SCHOOL OF WHEEL AND BRAKE ADJUSTMENTS! │
│ │
│ In our valuable course, you'll learn how to over-tighten those │
│ wheel nuts just enough so that some pathetic car driver will │
│ feel the full wrath of your tires as they pound his car and his │
│ head into spaghetti sauce. Learn how to loosen your brakes so │
│ that you can drive right through that Honda Accord instead of │
│ being stuck in traffic behind it. │
│ │
│ Other course material to be covered include: │
│ │
│ - Driving side by side with another tractor trailer so you can │
│ make mincemeat out of that Ferrari. │
│ - How to effectively abuse the air horn to scare car drivers │
│ into veering off the road. │
│ - Why you should give the finger to car drivers who cut you off │
│ (because you're 80,000 pounds stronger than them). │
│ - Plus much more! │
│ │
│ Our guarantee: │
│ │
│ Remember, if you haven't killed at least three people within a │
│ week of completing this course, we promise to either refund │
│ your money or have one of our experienced professionals do the │
│ killing for you! │
│ │
│ Send a non-refundable cheque or money order for $12,929.37 to: │
│ │
│ TRUCK DRIVER TRAINING SCHOOL OF WHEEL AND BRAKE ADJUSTMENTS │
│ 1234 Loose Wheel Went That-a-Way │
│ Toronto, Ontario, Canada 3M TA3 │
│ │
│ Name: ________________________________________________________ │
│ Address: _____________________________________________________ │
│ City: _____________________________ State/Prov. ______________ │
│ Zip/Postal Code: _____________________________________________ │
│ │
│ __ Yes, please enroll me in the Truck Driver School of Wheel │
│ and Brake Adjustments! I want to become a legal killer as │
│ soon as possible! │
│ │
│ I am most interested in killing: │
│ __ Spouse │
│ __ Aunt/Uncle │
│ __ Brother/Sister │
│ __ Mailman or any Canada Post employee │
│ __ A cop │
│ __ Neighbour's dog who won't stop talking to me │
│ __ Elvis who is living as a transvestite in my garage │
│ __ Random innocent victims │
│ __ Anyone │
│ __ Everyone │
│ │
│ I have previous experience in the following methods of killing: │
│ __ Shooting │
│ __ Knifing │
│ __ Drowning │
│ __ Stuffing peas up someone's nose to make them suffocate │
│ __ Vehicular manslaughter (Yeah!) │
│ __ (fill in the blank) __________________________________ │
│ │
│ Do you have a valid driver's licence? │
│ __ Yes __ No __ Who cares? │
│ │
│ * This course has been disapproved by the Ontario Ministry of │
│ Transport. │
│ │
│ ** The Truck Driver School of Wheel and Brake Adjustments │
│ disclaims all liability from people who have received │
│ this course. │
├──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤
│ │
│ TOP TEN WAYS TO KNOW YOUR LIFE IS THE MOST PATHETICALLY BORING │
│ ONE ON EARTH (c)1995 Sandy Illes │
│ │
│ 10. In the school yearbook, the inscription under your name said │
│ "Least likely to be wearing clean underwear." │
│ 9. You've memorized the TV Guide. │
│ 8. You cheat playing Solitaire. │
│ 7. Your bowel movements make the front page of the local paper. │
│ 6. The only mail you receive is addressed to "Occupant." │
│ 5. Your blooms-once-in-a-lifetime plant bloomed while you were in the │
│ bathroom. │
│ 4. Your relatives don't talk to you but they think you look vaguely │
│ familiar. │
│ 3. You once took a bath but the police made you put it back. │
│ 2. You dry your hair by hanging it on the clothesline. <ouch> │
│ 1. Aliens are in contact with your pet but they won't bother talking │
│ to you. │
├──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤
│ │
│ Top Ten Ways To Tell If A Guy's Been Married (c)1995 Sandy Illes │
│ │
│ 10. Knows how to defrost his own TV dinner. │
│ 9. Knows that a washer is a required household item but is not │
│ quite sure why. │
│ 8. Can chug beer, watch sports, and say "Yes, dear" at the │
│ same time. │
│ 7. Is always surprised when a woman says yes to sex. │
│ 6. Doesn't use the same brush for his teeth and his hair anymore. │
│ 5. Understands himself well enough to have hired a cleaning lady. │
│ 4. Hates lawyers and says "Over my dead body" a lot. │
│ 3. Spends a whole day washing his car while, in the meantime, he │
│ doesn't have one clean coffee mug in the house. │
│ 2. Likes it when a girl calls him Snookums. │
│ 1. Has matching socks that he never wears because they remind him │
│ of his ex. │
├──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤
│ JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES │
│==========================================================================│
│ A rich guy and a poor guy were in a bar. After talking │
│ for a while, they found that their wives had the same │
│ birthday. The poor guy asked the rich guy, "What did │
│ you get your wife for her birthday?" The rich guy said, │
│ "A fur coat and a Rolls Royce." The poor guy said, │
│ "That's a pretty strange combination, why did you get │
│ her both a coat and a car?" │
│ The rich guy said, "Well, I figured if she didn't like │
│ the fur coat, she could have a new car to drive it back │
│ and exchange it for something else." Then the rich guy │
│ asked the poor guy, "What did you get your wife for her │
│ birthday?" The poor guy said, "Well, I don't have much │
│ money, so I got her a bathrobe and a dildo." "A bathrobe │
│ and a dildo?" the rich man asked. "Talk about weird │
│ combinations... why did you get her a bathrobe and a │
│ dildo?" │
│ The poor man replied, "Well, I figured if she didn't │
│ like the bathrobe, she could go screw herself!" │
│--------------------------------------------------------------------- │
│ │
│ What do you get if you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an │
│ elevator operator? │
│ Someone who knocks on your door and tells you where to get │
│ off. │
│ │
│ What do you get if you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a │
│ sex therapist? │
│ Someone who knocks on your door and tells you *how* to get │
│ off. │
│--------------------------------------------------------------------- │
│ │
│ A lady told her new maid, "I declare, I can write my full name │
│ in the dust you've left on this piano." │
│ "Bless my soul," answered the maid with delight. "It's sure │
│ nice to be working for a lady with education!" │
│--------------------------------------------------------------------- │
│ │
│ A sergeant looked over a squad of particularly inept draftees │
│ and confessed, "I'm damned if I know what to do with you clumsy │
│ goons." │
│ One of them piped up hopefully, "There's a big shade tree over │
│ there, Sarge." │
│ "Yeah, I know," nodded the sergeant, "but I don't have any rope │
│ with me." │
│--------------------------------------------------------------------- │
│ │
│ It was little Johnny's first day in his new school and when │
│ he obtained permission from his 2nd grade teacher to go to │
│ the bathroom, he said he didn't know where it was. The │
│ teacher said, "Turn left out the door, then right at the │
│ next corridor; it's on your right." │
│ │
│ But when Johnny returned a few minutes later, he told the │
│ teacher he'd been unable to find it. The teacher said, │
│ "Well, I really don't know why, but Billy, would you please │
│ show Johnny where the bathroom is?" So Billy and Johnny │
│ went out the door. │
│ │
│ When they both returned a few minutes later, the teacher │
│ commented, "Well, it's about time. I really don't know why │
│ Johnny couldn't find it himself." │
│ │
│ Billy said, "I do, Teacher. His undershorts were on backwards." │
│--------------------------------------------------------------------- │
│ │
│ Q. What do you call Bob Hawke's goolies? │
│ A. Blanched hazelnuts. │
│ │
│ Explanations.. │
│ │
│ Bob Hawke ........ Ex prime minister │
│ │
│ Hazel Hawke ...... Ex prime minister's wife │
│ │
│ Blanch D'Puge .... Ex prime minister's new girlfriend. │
│ │
│ goolies .......... Important part of male anatomy. │
│--------------------------------------------------------------------- │
│ │
│A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's │
│hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything │
│besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves │
│and under trees. │
│ │
│One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. │
│It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other │
│buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the │
│chimney, implying someone is home. │
│ │
│He knocks on the door and an old man with a beard almost down to the │
│ground answers. The old man squints his eyes and says, "What do you │
│want?" │
│ │
│The man says, "I've been lost for the past three weeks │
│and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would │
│be most grateful if I could have a meal and sleep in your house │
│for tonight." │
│ │
│The old Chinese man says, "I'll let you come in on one │
│condition: You cannot mess around with my granddaughter." │
│ │
│The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying, "I │
│promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way │
│tomorrow morning." │
│ │
│The old Chinese man counters, "Ok, but if I do catch you │
│then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever │
│known to man." │
│ │
│"Ok, Ok," the man said as he entered the old house. │
│Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live │
│out in the wilderness all her life? │
│ │
│Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after │
│showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was │
│an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, │
│it had been many, many months without companionship. And the girl │
│had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and │
│well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other │
│throughout the meal. │
│ │
│That night, the man sneaked into the girl's bedroom and │
│they had quite a time, but kept the noise down to a minimum. │
│The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to │
│himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that │
│experience." │
│ │
│Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight │
│on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on │
│his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture │
│test: 100 lb rock on your chest." │
│ │
│ "What a lame torture test," the man thought to himself as │
│he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter │
│and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock was another │
│sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right │
│testicle." │
│ │
│The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to │
│be grabbed, jumped out the window after the rock. Outside the │
│window was a third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: │
│Left testicle tied to bed post." │
│--------------------------------------------------------------------- │
│ │
│ What do Michael Jackson's boyfriends call him? │
│ Uncle. │
│--------------------------------------------------------------------- │
│ │
│ "Mr. Simpson, did you kill your wife?" │
│ "Hell no, sir! She killed herself and then killed her friend!" │
│--------------------------------------------------------------------- │
│ │
│ Apparently, Rita MacNeil found out she is infected with flesh-eating │
│ bacteria. That's right, the same bacteria that did away Lucien │
│ Bouchard's leg overnight. The doctors gave her only 15 years to live. │
│--------------------------------------------------------------------- │
│ │
│ Knock...Knock │
│ │
│ Who's there? │
│ │
│ Interrupting Cow │
│ │
│ Interrup.. │
│ │
│ MOO!!! │
│--------------------------------------------------------------------- │
│ │
│ The Lone Ranger and his trusty sidekick were riding through a │
│ small town, and decided to stop in the local saloon for a drink. │
│ The Lone Ranger noticed that his horse was a bit overheated, │
│ so he asked his trusty sidekick a favor. │
│ "Tonto, I'm afraid Silver is a bit hot...might you cool him for │
│ me?" │
│ Tonto says, "Of course, Kemosabe, but how?" │
│ "Just run around him in circles to fan him off." │
│ So the 'Ranger leaves his trusty sidekick and goes in for a │
│ drink. │
│ A few minutes later, a cowboy approaches him and asks, "Excuse │
│ me, sir, but do you know who owns that beautiful silver horse │
│ out front?" │
│ "I do," replies the 'Ranger. │
│ "Well, sir, you've left your injun running." │
│--------------------------------------------------------------------- │
│ │
│ Consider the case of the hen that observed the undisciplined │
│ behavior of her youngest chick with obvious disapproval. "If │
│ your father could see you now," she cackled disgustedly, │
│ "he'd turn over in his gravy." │
│--------------------------------------------------------------------- │
│ │
│ Q: What's the rarest food in Ethiopia? │
│ A: After dinner mints. │
│--------------------------------------------------------------------- │
│ │
│ Ethiopian woman and Yoko Ono? Both live off dead Beatles. │
│--------------------------------------------------------------------- │
│ │
│ Have you heard of the new Jeffery Dahmer shampoo? │
│ Heads and Shoulders. │
│--------------------------------------------------------------------- │
│ │
│ A woman walks into a police station. │
│ │
│ Woman: I've been graped! I've been graped! │
│ Cop: Don't you mean raped? │
│ Woman: (pauses) No, there was a bunch of them. │
│--------------------------------------------------------------------- │
│ │
│ A man was arrested one night for running across Red Square yelling │
│ "Khrushchev is a fool! Khrushchev is a fool!" │
│ He was arrested and given 10 years - 5 for slandering the leader, and │
│ 5 for revealing a state secret. │
│--------------------------------------------------------------------- │
│ On a bright, warm spring day, somewhere on Vancouver Island a │
│ certain resident of East Indian origin was shaking his rug on │
│ his front porch. │
│ A passerby saw him, couldn't help himself and blurted, "What is the │
│ problem? Can't get it started?" │
│--------------------------------------------------------------------- │
│ │
│ Interesting statistic from Harper's Index: │
│ │
│ Between 1980 and 1990, eleven Americans were killed as a result │
│ of shaking vending machines which then fell on them. Of those │
│ eleven people killed, all of them were members of the US Armed │
│ Forces. │
│ │
│ The Few... The Proud... the Squashed Flat As a Pancake for a Lousy │
│ Snickers Bar... │
│ │
│ We Get Squashed Flatter Before 8am Than Most People Do All Day │
│ │
│ Be As Flat as You Can Be in The Army.. │
│--------------------------------------------------------------------- │
│ │
│ Mary Poppins gives up being a nanny and retires to the west coast │
│ of the United States. She becomes bored and opens up a small │
│ detective agency specializing in solving crimes using her psychic │
│ ability and strong nose. │
│ She opened a small space on Hollywood Boulevard and posted her sign │
│ proudly. It read: │
│ │
│ Super California Mystic Expert Halitosis. │
│--------------------------------------------------------------------- │
│ │
│ WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN...... │
│ │
│ Q A goldfish and a mountain goat? │
│ A One mucks around in fountains. │
│ │
│ Q A magician's wand and a policeman's baton? │
│ A One is used for cunning stunts. │
│ │
│ Q A cross eyed archer and a constipated owl? │
│ A One shoots but can't hit. │
│ │
│ Q A Swiss admiral and a reliable vacuum cleaner? │
│ A One sucks and sucks and never fails. │
│ │
│ Q A war horse and a draught horse? │
│ A One darts into the fray. │
│ │
│ Q A good girl and a nice girl? │
│ A A good girl has the bloom of youth in her cheeks but │
│ the nice girl has the cheek of youth in her bloomers. │
│--------------------------------------------------------------------- │
│ Clinton Condoms: ONE will screw an entire nation. │
│--------------------------------------------------------------------- │
│ │
│ A man died and went to hell. When he got there, he was led to a room │
│ that turned out to be a parochial school classroom. The meanest │
│ battle axe of a nun then came to the front of the room and ordered │
│ the man to sit up straight and listen. From time the man would │
│ slouch in his seat or doze off, and every such time the nun would │
│ rap the man's knuckles. Also, from time to time the nun would │
│ interrupt her lecture and order the man to repeat what he had heard. │
│ If he forgot anything, she would rap his knuckles and berate him. │
│ │
│ After several days of this, the man got up, left the room, and │
│ demanded to see the devil in charge. "How long does this have to │
│ go on?" he demanded. │
│ │
│ "Forever." │
│ │
│ "Can't I be thrown in a fiery pit instead?" he asked. │
│ │
│ "No." │
│ │
│ "I thought hell was fire and brimstone--not Catholic school!" │
│ │
│ "For some people, but not you." │
│ │
│ "But why me?" │
│ │
│ Finally the devil explained: "You have to go back to that room │
│ and stay there forever for that nun. You see, she's in Heaven." │
│--------------------------------------------------------------------- │
│ │
│ So one day, 'Six-gun' Sol ambles into town on his trusty │
│ steed and reins in at the saloon. Eight days on that │
│ dusty old Audit Trail had left Sol with a mighty powerful │
│ thirst. │
│ │
│ Hours pass, and after negotiating the price of several │
│ whiskeys, Sol decides it's time to ride on. He shuffles │
│ out into the street, only to find that someone has painted │
│ his horse's balls bright yellow. │
│ │
│ 'Six-gun' Sol turns on (and picks up) a dime, and barges │
│ back into the saloon. │
│ │
│ "So, who deh hell's deh funny guy what's painted my horse's │
│ balls yallow?" demands Sol. │
│ │
│ Well, the biggest, hairiest, meanest, dirtiest, ugliest, │
│ baddest man in the west steps forward, eyes wild with │
│ psychopathic frenzy, and looking waaaay down at Sol says, │
│ "I did! What about it, pipsqueak?" │
│ │
│ Sol looks back at him steelily (?) and answers, "I just │
│ thought you'd like to know dat deh first coat is dry now!" │
│--------------------------------------------------------------------- │
│ │
│ The little Russian girl answered the door, and a man asked │
│ to see her father. "I'm sorry, he's not home," she replied, │
│ "but he'll be back in eight hours, forty minutes and │
│ twenty-three seconds." "How can you be so exact?" "He's │
│ orbiting the earth," she said. "He's a cosmonaut." │
│ │
│ "How about your mother?" "No, she's not here either." │
│ "When will she be back?" "Who knows?" answered the girl. │
│ "She went to buy bread." │
│--------------------------------------------------------------------- │
│ │
│ The press, interviewing Senator Kennedy, asked the Senator, │
│ "Weren't you concerned that your nephew may have been │
│ convicted for rape?" │
│ │
│ To which the Senator replied, "The family decided we'd drive │
│ off that bridge when we came to it." │
│--------------------------------------------------------------------- │
│ │
│ How can you tell the virgin at an <insert ethnic group of │
│ your choice> wedding? │
│ She's the one who isn't pregnant. │
│ │
└──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘